and everything tastes right

ao3

所有割裂你头脑的刀锋

An Epiphany

This morning I couldn’t sleep so like anyone spent the wee hours browsing youtube. I watched this video by lucyelizabeth and something clicked.

Being thin is not all there is. It is not a magical achievement that will make everything better because you will never be thin enough. It is not something to write on your CV or boast about whilst other people boast about  their amazing trip to Australia. You will definitely not look back and say: “at least I was thin,” you probably won’t grow old at all.

Starving will not make your pain lessen, stuffing yourself with food will not numb it. They won’t make you feel better like a hug, or watching your old favourite film with a cup of tea will. Watching the scale go down or fitting into a 00 will not fill you with the same joy as travelling and new experiences will, even though that’s hard to believe.

There are things so much more valuable to concern yourself with than calories and safe foods and fear foods and BMIs. I’ve missed parties and get togethers because there was nothing I was ‘allowed’ to eat. I haven’t seen the person I love most in the world for months because I cannot be trusted to travel 400 miles by myself, take my medication, eat enough to keep myself out of a foreign hospital - and I will never forgive myself for how much I’ve hurt them because of my selfishness.

Right now, summer is just beginning and I don’t want to see it through barricaded windows. I want to smell flowers instead of chlorine. This summer will be hard, watching most of my closest friends go off to university, and having to retake the year. But at least I’ve been given that chance. I can change my life; master the language my heart feels right in, visit that country and hopefully study there. I can finally start living instead of simply existing. 

Self obsession has robbed me of the ability to see the beauty in the smallest things. Perhaps I just had to see it again - from the outside, at 4am with my glasses on - to realise how much I’ve been left out on and will continue to be if I don’t just keep my head up and eat.

Body weight shouldn’t dictate the one on your shoulders.

Thank you, Lucy.