and everything tastes right

ao3

所有割裂你头脑的刀锋

buildarocketboys said: i’d love a fic focusing on bel at some point during the time freddie’s away in america.

okay this super late and short and quite abstract?? but i hope you like it!

SEND ME PROMPTS, I’M WRITING LIKE A NINJA TODAY

In spite of herself, Bel misses Freddie. She misses him terribly. So much that longing draws the colour out of her, as if her cells and muscles and all the tiny hairs on the back of her arms are magnetised towards F. L., New York bound. The heart that has become no more than a lodger in ribcage motel (because Bel has no ownership over it) tick-tick-tick-tocks out the syllables of his name morning-midday-evening, to come to a crushing crescendo at night, tears-eiderdown-and-emptystomachs.  

It is a strange feeling for someone that is nearly thirty, she thinks, it feels like the kind of sensation that should, could have been felt at school – sixteen, when she would have been strong enough to bounce back. But then, as Lix so tactfully reminds her, it is the person rather than the age. So perhaps if teenage-Bel had met jumped-up-Freddie it would have been just the same, only not with a passage across the Atlantic and the BBC involved.

There is a moment when she snaps. When she realises that she is waiting for him like a train, that she is stood on the perimeter life; ready to jump onto the tracks, into the oblivion of loneliness. She thinks about him, looks and she looks at him until perhaps his face will be imprinted into her for ever and the idea grows slowly inside her like a flower, a white lily: that she loves him, that even if she were to live a thousand endless days, she would never be able to put it into words. And she snaps because it’s the emptiness that gets her in the end, there is something romantic in sadness, but the void that he’s left is unbearable.

She gets out a piece of paper at 3am and a fountain pen, writing letter after letter to him – unsendable.

Alright, beating enemy, she says, I surrender.